It’s not that I’m embarrassed about the matter, but it seems like something no one thinks to share. And maybe they don’t even think it exists. Do these people who lack to share even exist? I can’t say I know anyone else suffering the case, but I’m learning that, considering my circumstances, it’s perfectly acceptable. By acceptable I mean it merely makes sense.
And how do I address this topic? Who might understand it more? Naturally I think my best audience is my very own gender. But daily I’m becoming convinced that I’ve the wrong idea of which ears to confess to. What can they do but simply say “it’ll happen”? And yet they will never have the capabilities of providing me the proper influence. So then who should my audience be? Because the influence I fail to receive cannot be found in my sisters.
But what exactly is the problem? Is it even a problem? In my human mind, the answer is “him.” In reality, “he” doesn’t exist. Ultimately my answer is Jesus Christ and spiritually I have my answer. So if spiritually I am fulfilled, then physically I am expecting a reflection. What earthly equal can I find to somehow fill that dire need for more? How does one small individual young woman begin to even explain the very depths of her ever-begging heart?
How much can the lack-of-a-prince affect a princess? And what if she lost her king? What can happen to her curious heart if no watering can (or did) occur? Metaphorically speaking, this princess has no reason to actually feel like one. Without a prince, she waits for nothing and there is no story. She isn’t treated with royalty and no one is there to rescue her.
Spiritually, I am a princess. Physically, I am not. Spiritually I have a King (a Father), and physically, I do not. To put it all into modern day terms, I have never been asked on a real date in my entire life. I think a kid in middle school yelled out for his friend to me, but I’m sure it was a joke and it definitely doesn’t count. I had a few strangers find me on Facebook and hint at meeting, but that didn’t make me feel special so it doesn’t count either. Losing my dad didn’t help at all—in fact I miss him even more for the simple fact that I was beyond special to him. But I can’t get him back.
The only guy I ever really knew for a while didn’t believe in the concept of “princesses and princes.” In fact, I too often hid my desire to be such a “princess” around him. To put it simply, I don’t even know what it feels like to be special to someone or to be pursued. It just never happened. I tried incredibly hard to keep that a secret. I have this wavering hope that I’m nearing the end of this curiosity. I keep it silent because it shouldn’t be shown. Or am I ashamed? Should I be ashamed?
It’s merely reality to have such an absence in my life. Is it my fault? How much of this is of God? If He fulfills me spiritually, how will I fulfill my physical desires? And by physical I don’t mean affections, but rather an actual human (a prince); audible words, a physical body, a beating heart, and a passion for something meaningful. I’ve been working on being someone rather than finding someone—I’m still hoping this is enough. Perhaps it’s just not the right timing. Am I supposed to keep believing this?
This lack of a “prince” has unfortunately affected me greatly, leaving me with this unique story. I had to fight off fears because of it and ignore feelings that inevitably came. I’m made to love and be a “helper” and yet I hold it in due to the lack of a receiver. I know I’m capable because I’ve loved the unlovable and forgave the unforgiveable. And if I’m capable, who can I show that to?
Maybe this isn’t something to share. But then again, maybe it’s the missing piece to a curious brother’s heart. Maybe this is the voice too shy to enter the world. If men would be men, would women be women? Too many young women are discovering a lack of “specialness” so they search and search to fulfill it. Maybe “he” is unaware of how utterly important he really is in the life of a broken princess. His ability to rescue someone is the most important talent “he’ll” ever have. I guess I’m just wondering one simple thing: is he still looking for me?